well fuck a duck

i am anxiously waiting for my plastic surgery, i just want to get it over with and start really living.

it is so pathetic how people view us fatties ... it seems everywhere i went this weekend, people would not look me in the eye. their eyes went directly to my gut. EVERYWHERE.I.WENT...

fuck fuck. get rid of this gut. its just not moving. i am running, i am walking, i am strength training, i am doing all i can fucking do and its not moving.

tonight is picture night, i really dont even want to take them. i guess im letting myself slip into a nasty depression. i dont want this. this fat fucking gut just has to go.

really.

it feels like i cant do this anymore. i am noticing small changes, but its no where near where i need them to be.

maybe when i was 400 pounds, i expected it, but now, it fucking hurts to see just staring at my gut. is it my imagination? i honestly dont think it is.

ok, i'll just stop rambling now. life fucking sucks sometimes.