**shaking head**

people say they want the band SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad, yet right after they get it, they fuck up... how pathetic is that?

granted yes, i ate things i shouldnt have, but i did NOT cheat on my pre/post op diet....

soooooooooo not a good night ...

so i worked out today, was on my way home from the grocery store (545ish) and DH texts me - things not good at work, still here, will be late (obviously since he normally leaves at 5-515)...

so i have ground sirloin in my car, cheese, chicken, you name it ... i have to go pick up DD from school... it normally takes no less than 10-15 minutes to pick her up (say goodbye, what happened during the day, etc...) and its rather warm outside (85ish??), visions of chicken grilling in my van ... yay.

so i actually get in and out of school in about 3-5 minutes ... 'groceries in car, gotta go' worked!!! :)

come home ... it is well over 90 degrees in the house, dogs are panting and im sweating almost as soon as i walk in... DD is a nightmare "IM HUNGRY IM HUNGRY IM JUST HUNGRY" so getting dinner ready, sweating my ass off, getting my lunch ready for the rest of the week, DH finally gets home, i kinda bark at him cause there is a dish that has to be hand washed (pampered chef stoneware) and it hasnt been since monday... **eyeroll** and i have no room in the kitchen to cook properly... gahhhhhhhhhhhh...

so dinner is finally ready (fajitas for DH and I, quesadilla for DD) i literally get in about 3 bites and have to bolt to the bathroom ... PB ... fun. no, not really.

soooo, DH is working so its just DD and i. its 18 minutes past her bedtime, but frankly, i dont want to deal with her drama of the whole bedtime thing... so im here, we just finished reading a book together and she is reading on her own now. 'reading' as in flipping thru pages...

so, how was your day?

WTF was I thinking????

*trying* to eat a D'Lights breakfast sandwich???

ugh.... PB, slime, stuck, PB, stuck, slime, PB, stuck

its going to be one of those days...

sent from my iPhone ;)

mmmm barium...

NOT!

well I went for another fill yesterday.. I've been VERY hungry
lately... so she fills me, makes me swallow that shit (sorry - no
other way to describe it), says 'OK, done'. I ask her to put a tad
bit more in cause I can always handle more than they think I can, she
says 'sure'.. adds more and then ... HERE, drink more barium... WTF!??

soooo I drank 2 cups of barium yesterday and my poor body is feeling
it. gas pains woke me up last night they were so bad... maybe I
should say poor DH though.. gas has to go somewhere.. ew.

more later..

sent from my iPhone ;)

well fuck a duck... a confession of sorts...

i really think i need to be finished with Atkins.

really

it works really well for me and to be honest, i really like the fatty food ... i know ... bad bad bad bandster...

but i usually only last 2 weeks maximum and then for the next weeks/month i splurge promising that i will get back on track ... really... i will get back on track ...

after the cakes, cookies (looking to my right at the white chocolate mac. nut cookies that i've inhaled), M&Ms, etc...

WHAT
THE
FUCK

other than the fact that im not exercising as much as i can because my PS hasnt released me to full exercising and eating like a fucking pig

fuck
fuck
fuck

anyone in texas (dallas area) wanna come kick my ass... ??

mmmm .... mushies

yup, i got another fill.. hopefully, this will be THE ONE...

its the one time i allow myself to eat my fave mushy... stovetop stuffing... yummmmmmmmmmm

i KNOW its not great for me, but 2 days is not gunna kill me... and i do have my atkins shakes for fiber/protein...

so there, my guilty pleasure.. or 1 of them at least ;)

well DAMN..

apparently i'm too tight...

drinking hot tea, my nose starts to run (my soft stop) ... WTF???

ive been having heartburn issues since Friday...

going to call and see if i can get an emergency unfill tomorrow. funny thing is, i just called to schedule my fill for after my plastics this morning... oh she's going to LOVE me ...

hard salami and i no longer get along...

dammit... stuck ... refuses to go down. it hurts.

guess i'll go get some pineapple juice on my lunch.

cravings are bad BAD today ... i want carbs. the have Mongolian grill for lunch downstairs. it is SO good ... comes with rice and those fried noodles ... SO TASTY ... so full of carbs.

can't edit my post ...

the part I talked about before was the fact that Mary had LB, not my
question... ;)

sent from my iPhone ;)

input please...

ok ... I'm pretty sure I've already told this story, but...

I kinda work with a woman (same department, different area) I'll call
her Mary..

Mary and I had our lap bands placed on the same day (same doctor
even)... I had NO CLUE she had hers placed... I found out by
accident when someone accidentally 'slipped'...

Mary likes to eat... we had breakfast together once and while I was
enjoying my 2 scrambled eggs, she ate pancakes, eggs, hashbrowns, you
name it... she also left the table no fewer than SIX times.. I'm
ASSuming to PB cause she was all flushed and sweaty when she came
back... but she continued to EAT... (and leave and eat, etc...)

she is still quite large. she didnt start out as big as me, maybe
280-300.. I dunno I suck at guessing weights and she's quite a bit
shorter than I am.

ok, C, get to the point....
today I was walking downstairs and mary saw me.... she said "you are
getting skinny"... I kinda brushed it off, but wow.. today is a
"non-shake" day, basically, I get to eat today... I was going down to
the cafe to get God knows what to eat....

thanks to her comment, know what I got?? lettuce for a huge salad..
I already had ham and some shredded cheese and dressing in my office
kitchen..

later I emailed her thanking her for her compliment, telling her how
much I appreciated it.

she responded by saying she needs to lose weight before her reunion,
that she lost 50 in 2006, but gained 35 last year... I haven't
responded yet...

suggestions on how to respond? I don't wanna say that I know she has
a band, but I want to encourage her... apparently she overeats,
doesnt chew her food, drinks with meals, etc...

I don't think I wanna point her to LBT cause I'll be found and I like
the relative anonymity (sp????) that I have now.

wow I can't believe I typed this out on my iPhone... LONG

sent from my iPhone ;)

HOLY PB batman!

can you say restricted?

i need to learn to eat more like a bandster i guess. i am the most restricted i've ever been and my fill was a few weeks ago.

i will be the first to admit that i take 'normal' bites and chew/swallow in stages (chew, swallow a little, chew more, swallow more, etc...)

last night we went to Pho and i had a little beef (maybe 2 ounces, about 4 pieces paper thin), then i ate some of DD's chicken. i know in my heart of hearts that i didnt chew well enough but thought i would be ok, cause after all, i was fine before ... oh dear God. on the way home i couldnt swallow my own saliva, DH had to pull over and i PBd in a parking lot. thought i was fine, but almost got home, yup another PB.

this is my 2nd PB in a week. not a good thing. i dont think i am overfilled, just am at the sweet spot. i can get liquids down fine and i know if i chew my food well, i should be OK with solids.

so, needless to say, liquids for breakfast (coffee w/ extra 'boost').

weight-wise, losing the same 3-5 pounds over and over. i'll get down to 261.8ish and then back up to 264... i dont get it.

can you say restriction??!!

whoa!!

merry Christmas - had dim sum for lunch and pb'd it up for the most part ... **sigh** totally unexpected.

so im on liquids right now - great christmas dinner **eyeroll**

i hope everyone had a great christmas!
LJ

14 December

worked my ass of at the gym this morning. it was amazing..
had my fill yesterday, up to 11ish ccs, not sure how much it holds,
but she said to come back if it doesnt work. I told her to pretty
much close me up... ;)

I am stuck in traffic on my way to a plastics consult.. fun. will
post more later.

sent from my iPhone ;)

happy 1 year Band

happy bandiversary, happy bandiversary, happy bandiversary, happy bandiversary

yay! i cannot believe it's been a full year. down 130ish pounds. not too shabby. this is a new year for me and i need to start seeing it as a new year. i need to get my eating in check and just get my crap together.

i had a support group meeting last night that was supposed to talk about emotional eating ... not so much. we got a handout ... WOOOO HOOO.... not so much.

yes, i know it has been quite awhile

new month, new attitude.

i havent been eating very well, not horribly but not as well as i should be.

i have pretty much stopped pro-actively losing weight. i eat OK and i exercise a little bit and hey! if i lose then there is a nice bonus. i've pretty much been losing/gaining the same 5 pounds the past several weeks though.

this stops now.

new 12 week challenge is starting today. i have not been to the gym since Thursday. i am going today after work and then have an hour scheduled w/ Steph tomorrow and Thursday. i need a nice kick in the pants.

so for the next 12 weeks i will:

1. log everything that goes in my mouth
2. work out a minimum of 4 days a week
3. log my work outs
4. complete 55 miles on the elliptical a month
5. try to run 1-2 times a week (faster than 4.5 mph)

my goal for the 23rd of December is a very aggressive 230 pounds. that will be losing about 40-45 pounds in 3 months. extremely challenging, but do-able!! if i keep my act together!!

wow ...

i went to my first Lap Band support group last night. it was great but it needs more structure. it was hard to hear sometimes and some people kind of dominated the conversation and just would.not.let.up...

i worry that i might have monopolized a bit, so next time i'll try to listen more.

when i got home, i realized i didnt have anything to wear for Tuesday. i rummaged thru my closet and found a dress that i bought several weeks ago that was waaaaayyyyyy too tight. i thought what the hey.. tried it on and yayyyyyyy ... it is short but it fit.

(crappy pics from a camera phone)

look at the tag!!! 16/18. ME in a 16/18 (it's a Target dress so it's a wonky size)

like i said, it's shorter than i usually wear, butDH said it looked pretty good. YAY.

i did not work out today. slept in and it was devine!

wooo hooo ... new decade

worked out with Steph this morning for 1/2 session and did 1.75 miles on the elliptical. that stupid machine loves to kick my ass. but i love it. i was drenched when i was finished.

well, i made my goal that i set last week. today i hit 269 (and 5/8). i am just pleased as punch.

tonight i have my first lap band support meeting. i am really looking forward to it. hopefully, someone from i used to work with ... that would just be strange. i heard she's gained quite a bit since i left the department. she is actually the reason i started looking into the lap band so for that i am thankful.

i will post my pics of workouts later maybe.

06September work out

i had an hour session with Steph this morning.

before, i hopped on the elliptical and cranked out 3/4 mile. it was AMAZING. wow wow wow.

Steph truly is amazing. she knows just how hard to push me and i was hot and sweaty all training session. she even made me do push ups!! they were horrible and i barely got down, but it's better than nothing i suppose. she is making me feel stronger each day.

after my session, i cranked out another 3/4 mile on the elliptical.

yesterday was my 'free day' and i did gain. a tad over 2 pounds, but we'll see what happens tomorrow. my last free day i gained, then dropped over double what i gained, so i am anxious to see what happens.

i cant believe i've been banded almost a year. Sunday it will be 11 months. i still have a LONG way to go, but am very pleased with how far i've come. i am wearing one of my "Target dresses" and it is actually loose on me! of course i have my "sucker inner" on, but i've always worn one with this dress and it is actually getting a bit baggy... woooo hooooo.

i'm not crazy, i'm just a little unwell...

ok, so let's talk goals.

we need to have goals right? something to reach for.

well in my infinite wisdom, i set my turkey day goal (from now til 22Nov) to lose 35 pounds!! that's a ton of weight. WTF was i thinking??

sure, it's nice to have something to reach for, but OMG ... 35 pounds? 11 1/2 weeks?? what is that just over 3 pounds a week - consistent losing ... ????? damn i am going to be busy.

this week it seems i've worked my ass off and have barely dropped a pound. that is quite frustrating. my 'short term' goal - 08 October remains at losing just over 20 pounds. that will put me at 150 for my first year after lap band. then i will "only" have 72 more to go. **sigh** ONLY 72...

i can tell differences in my body but it just isnt enough. i want this weight gone NOW (or yesterday would have been nice). i am so tired of being fat. so that is why i set the stupid 35 pound goal ...

want to know my REALLY crazy goal ... (please dont laugh too hard) ... i want to be at my goal weight (180 for now) by my 37th birthday in June 2008.

there - i said it. i want to lose another 92.625 pounds in 9 months.

plateaus? fuck 'em...

TWENTY POUNDS

TWENTY FLIPPING POUNDS in August!

holy shit! i need to do in September what i did in August and i may make my 150 lb goal!! holy shit!

you bet your ass i worked out today. only did 8.61 miles, but 3.25 were on the elliptical. LOVED it. i am feeling somewhat better, went back to the doctor and she gave me a steroid shot and apparently that really boosted my energy!! ; )

i have a training appointment tomorrow at 9, this is so very cool!! My September goal will be 240 miles of bike / elliptical.