so f'ing sick...

of eating right and exercising.

so much in fact that i am not doing it at the moment.

eating complete and utter garbage and making every excuse i can to not exercise.

what the fuck is wrong with me??? am i not excited that i am getting gut whacked in 24odd days?

is that the reason im slacking? that is precisely the reason i should not be slacking. i need to be in the best physical and mental condition i can be in for this surgery... eating chocolate covered cream puffs and english toffee and not moving my ass is not the way to get there.

i need a kick in the ass. and i dont even think i am talking about a virtual one ...

where the fuck did my motivation go???

it wouldnt be my life without a little drama ...

a new twist..


when i was young (15/16??) i was quite umm, lopsided in the breast department... think C cup to an A cup. had it fixed with a saline* implant... its never been perfect, but yah know, the are relatively symetrical... no problems.

*or so i thought....
....

this past Monday, i found a lump in my left brest (non-implant side)... freaked me out since my mom was my age when she found her first (cancerous) lump. since i was sick with a cold, went to see my primary and she did an exam, yup, it's a lump... actually, there are 2. oh dear.

i went for my mammogram today and they had to actually take it to a sonogram cause it wasnt really clear.

the good news - lump is fatty tissue / non cancerous - mostly likely just a lipoma. yay!! no real issues unless they grow..

bad news - what i thought for the past 20 years was a saline implant, was in reality a silicone!! implant and it has ruptured. so i have silicone in my rt breast. based on the ultrasound, it appears to have contained itself inside my breast tissue ... but... I.WANT.IT.OUT...

the thought of having silicone in my body freaks me out. yes, i've had it in there for 20-odd years, but now that i know its in there, dont want it.

soooooo... i have yet another appointment with my PS for a consult of sorts for my breast. good news - more than likely insurance will cover the removal and any associated costs... not so good news, more than likely will not cover the cost of the new implant or any related costs...

i dont even know if my PS will do my breasts at the same time as everything else on the 29th... i dunno if i want him to due to what Tami said about weight loss... plus, i honestly have no idea how much this is going to cost. i dunno how much implants cost, not sure what my surgeon is going to charge...

gahhhhh, slightly freaking out here.

but... not cancer. which is a very good thing! at least there is a bright side.

well fuck a duck

i am anxiously waiting for my plastic surgery, i just want to get it over with and start really living.

it is so pathetic how people view us fatties ... it seems everywhere i went this weekend, people would not look me in the eye. their eyes went directly to my gut. EVERYWHERE.I.WENT...

fuck fuck. get rid of this gut. its just not moving. i am running, i am walking, i am strength training, i am doing all i can fucking do and its not moving.

tonight is picture night, i really dont even want to take them. i guess im letting myself slip into a nasty depression. i dont want this. this fat fucking gut just has to go.

really.

it feels like i cant do this anymore. i am noticing small changes, but its no where near where i need them to be.

maybe when i was 400 pounds, i expected it, but now, it fucking hurts to see just staring at my gut. is it my imagination? i honestly dont think it is.

ok, i'll just stop rambling now. life fucking sucks sometimes.