WHAT THE F IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE???!!!!

ok, ok, ok... i admit, FARRRRRR from perfect...

but in the past DAY i've read two very disturbing posts on LBT...

first was "i had surgery 2 days ago, but i ate a burger today"
second was regarding portion control "i just ate a double-double cheeseburger from in-and-out"

WHAT.THE.FUCK people??????? did you NOT have weight loss surgery?

**shaking head**

fucking idiots!

ok, some things are just WRONG...

DH took DD skating yesterday ... she had an absolute blast. as they were taking a short break, we saw this one woman (probably about 24-25ish) ... she weighed no less than 300 pounds... i cannot even begin to describe what this woman was wearing ... it was kinda like a tank top with spaghetti straps (the clear ones)... she had ROLLLLS hanging out of this top... and the 'muffin top' was all the way around and you could see it in all it's glory...

now now ... before you think im a complete hypocrite, i'm not... i was that big - bigger even - but i would not be caught dead in that shirt or anything close to it. i did take a picture of her at a book store, but decided against posting it... my luck, she'd belong to LBT or something... **eyeroll**

so the moral of the story is ... hell, i dunno ... dont wear white trash clothing if you are fucking huge. (ok, dont wear white trash clothing at all - especially if you are huge)...

but what would the neighbors say??

ok, so DD has hit the fuckinghorrible fives... today being the penultimate... we went to DH's race, all was ... ehh... ok... she started getting antsy about 10:15 ... right about when he was going to cross the finish line... i told her to 'suck it up', dad was running 13.1 miles and we could wait outside (it had warmed up - i wouldnt make her wait out in the cold for 20 minutes...) she got cranky and fussy...

well, DH crossed the finish line (YAY!!!) and we went back to the hotel... she started talking back to me - telling me no, "IM NOT GOING TO DO THAT MAMMA", etc.... we told my parents goodbye (another YAY!!) and went up to our hotel room for a time out. 'normal' time outs last 5 minutes - this one lasted for well over an hour... an hour of her screaming at the top of her lungs... we were ALLLL the way at the end of the hall and my DH heard her at the elevator.. she was literally screaming for absolutely no.reason.whatsoever.... NO REASON... she didnt want to go to time out... she finally chose the alternative to timeout and we checked out of the hotel and went to lunch...

apparently my very DD has a 'thing' for hotels... as in she wants to live in one... "I wanna go back to the hotel" no fewer than 200 times today... seriously...

we get home... time for a nap... she didnt want to and started back talking - again... "NO... I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT".. bullshit again... time out... "NO!!! BLAH BLAH BLAH"... this time it only lasted about 1/2 an hour, but damn the child has lungs...

getting ready to go eat dinner ... (yes, we ate out 2 meals in a row **gasp**) she goes in our room (not allowed unless invited), i ask her to leave, NO!! BLAH BLAH BLAH AGAIN... dh puts her in time out (yup, again).... guess what - - another fit! lasting 10-15 mins, im fed up, DH is fed up and hungry... alternative to time out, done... she is still screaming i tell her to go outside... she's whiny-crying... we are in the driveway, i ask if she's finished... "NO"... ok, well you can just stay out here and cry and show everyone what a baby you are.... so she does ... and she screams ... blood curdling screams... im no where near her .... screaming for no reason... our neighbor comes out and looks at her ... i tell him that she's acting like a baby and to have a good look (yeah, i'm evil sometimes).... at that point i notice that its not just a neighbor - it's a NEW neighbor just moving in ... oh dear... **eyeroll**

so at dinner entering the restaurant, she's still crying... i have to take her to the car and i start buckling her in her carseat. "are we going back to the hotel??" - we've been ignoring that question since about 4pm... i say no, she starts to cry - again... i tell her if she keeps crying she can stay in the car while DH eats and i will stand outside of the car, she'll be in there all alone... those apparently are the magic words... she stops and says she is finished... i asked if she was sure cause it's a nice night and i can use the fresh air.... "YES"... so we went back to the restaurant, she's OK ... not great, but OK... she starts asking about that fucking hotel again i say no, she starts to cry, i just get the keys out and silence... hmmm.... what the hell am i going to do when it starts getting cold.?????

nothing new...

work still sucks (7 days left!!!)

well damn, this sucks...

ok... so i went grocery shopping this afternoon...
i got everything on my list, veggies, grapes on sale (woo hoo 97 cents a pound), tomatoes and then i made the mistake of going by the bakery ... OMFG!!!!!!! there was this cake ... this CAKE ... sour cream pudding cake ... OMG OMG OMG ... it looked amazing... sooooo good... i was drooling... and it was on SALE ... how could i not get it???

i didnt bring my debit card shopping, so i had to use DH's... me having mommy brain, i completely forgot his PIN number ... 3 times... locked the stupid card... declined, declined, declined... yup - im an idiot sometimes...

so i leave the store empty handed... :( no tomatoes (been craving them)... and no cake!!!!!! gahhhhhh!!

DH was wonderful and dropped us off at home and went back with the list.. (yes, yes... including the cake). well, he didnt get the sour cream pudding cake, he got the sour cream angel food cake... **sigh** I DONT WANT ANGEL FOOD CAKE.... I WANT PUDDING CAKE (dont mess with a pregger's cravings)... i storm off to the store to exchange the stupid cake.... its now after dinner, slight rumbly in my tummy ... i cut myself a piece ... ehhhhh... not so great.... i dont dare tell this to DH ... dammit!!!!

too harsh of a response????

I have absolutely no desire to even go to your wedding much less be in your hick wedding. Oh wait, it wont be a hick wedding cause dad is paying for it.

And for you to ASS-Ume that my daughter would be in your wedding. Um, not so much…



yes, it's only a wish-response

why... why... WHY???

ok, my favorite sister (ummm, NOT) is getting married next year... she's a total bitch and only contacts me when she wants something..

well when she announced she was getting married to loser-boy (24 years old, not going to school, no job, still lives with mummie,etc) she set up a "the knot" web page. on that page she announced that my other sister (ehh, not close, but she's not a total bitch like baby sis) would be her maid of honor (not a shock, they are close) and MY very DD would be a flower girl. ummm, maybe ask me first???

that was about a month or so ago. so this morning i get an email:
i just wanted to see if you and (my DD) wanted to be in our wedding... blahblahblah...

initial reaction was to delete it. seriously! and i havent replied yet (my answer is HELL NO i will not stand up in your hick wedding) but i dont know what to do about DD... inital reaction for her is hell no as well just cause i cant stand the 'bride', but ... i should just suck it up and say yes to her.

no clue what reason i'm going to use for me not being in it. i will have delivered by then (summer wedding), i guess i could say that i dont want to leave the baby for that long ??

*reason #1 i think she's a total bitch*
a couple years ago, we were home for Thanksgiving. our flight home was about 630-700 am on a Sunday morning. my parents left for somewhere Saturday night (gone for the rest of the weekend). i asked her Saturday afternoon if she could drop us off at the airport. "I just cant do that, I have to drive home Sunday to prepare for school and i dont want to be tired while driving (3-4 hour drive)"... in other words, i dont want to get up and drive you cause i'll be sleeepy... yet she got up for day after Thanksgiving shopping at 4am Friday morning.... so we called a cab - $65 thank you very much. FINE BITCH.

she was up pounding around (she's a big girl too) until 3:30 am that morning we were leaving... so fucking much for being too tired.

i was so f'ing pissed. SOOOOOOOOO f'ing pissed, i finally told my (step)mom... i KNOW she told bitch-sis... not one word to apologize ... she's a f'ing bitch and nothing is going to change my mind...

wow ... guess i needed to vent ????

i really..

fucking hate people who aren't banded who (think they)"know it all"...

just wanna say

i f'ing hate my job and really cannot stand my co-workers... why i took this job in the first place (other than the huge promotion and more money) is unknown to me...

pssstt.... hey 'joiful'

i never said i was perfect...

yup, i've eaten things i shouldnt have - had a Sonic breakfast sandwich today in fact, but i didnt want to fuck up my band and eat a big mac 4 days after surgery...

thanks Achieving Me...

i read this on achieving me's blog and was goign to comment there, but decided to post about it...

i wish i could look in the mirror and see something good, but at 252 pounds (yes, still) i dont see it.
yes, i see better but not good - at all ... eating garbage (even if it is a 100 calorie pack) is not helping me... not exercising - at all - is not helping me...

i start training for Chicago Tuesday... i keep telling myself i will start Tuesday, i will start Tuesday ... **sigh** i suck so bad.

dammit... full disclosure...

i have no fucking clue what is going on with me.

eating like a fucking pig ... my restriction is so fucking wonky lately. some days, i PB on my shake at breakfast, some days, i can eat 1/2 - 2/3 breakfast sandwich... (of which i shove the rest in my mouth cause the fucking head hunger) and then PB the rest of it up.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck... fuckity fuck

i mean seriously. my restriction is nothing right now and my discipline is nothing what so ever...
i mean really, if i had the discipline, i wouldnt fucking need a lap band, right?

and all of this would be fine and dandy if i was working out, but the entire weekend, what did i do? the Race for the Cure ... 5K ... due to how crowded it was, it took us just over an hour to complete.

sooooo, today's menu (so far):
breakfast:
sausage egg & cheese croissant from Jack In The Box (580 cals, thank you very much...)

snack(s):
baby ruth bar
some other chocolate bar (blocking out the name???)

lunch:
2 large chilis from Wendys
lots of crackers

snack:
3 snack sized mr. goodbars

WHAT.THE.FREAKING.FREAKY.FUCK!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK
FUCK
FUCK

fuck.

seriously.
fuck..

:(

i really hate working with women ...

our group is ALL women and the 'cattiness' is just unbearable most times ...

-talking behind other's backs
- giggling like little school girls (we're talking 50+ year olds here)

they are supposed to be 'good Christian women' ... doesnt sound too christian like to me... they pick on this one woman all the time ... granted, the woman is a total pain in the ass, but they are just being bitches...

grrrrrrrr

SO HUNGRY...

i want to eat eat eat eat eat ... and eat some more.

at this point i have 9 points remaining for my dinner which should be enough, but tomorrow is weigh in day so i dont want to stuff myself like a flipping pig... guess i'll have a huge salad with dinner tonight, maybe some of that Progresso soup (which claims its zero points, but its not...)

mini rant??

yup, i posted this on LBT, but wanted it here too ...

i weigh 242 pounds ... there are LOTS of people on this board that start their WL journey where i am now ... and i've lost 160 pounds and still have 82 more to go... that's a ton of weight... (ha - and i wanted to call goal by my birthday in June ... double HA!)

i dunno if i am really the person to actually give the guidance... i just log my experiences (tell it like it is) for my journalling ... cause i cant remember shit...

i guess im just SO frustrated that i still look like a tree trunk... yes, the big huge gut is gone, but im still a very large girl.

it doesnt help matters that i refuse to tell my family (step mom) how much i've lost... she sent an email to another relative saying that i wont tell her but she thinks i've lost over 200 pounds .. damn. how big did she think i was??? i dont think i wanna know that answer.

oh boy am i quite the cranky bitch..

holy fuck... i dunno what is in overdrive, but shit is hitting the fan with me today - and im the one throwing it.

whiny dogs are driving me fucking crazy, DD is driving me fucking crazy, DH is driving me fucking crazy... **sigh**

i had a shitty visit with my Gyn this afternoon, she told me absolutely nothing i wanted to hear and i just feel like shit.

oh, and she weighed me ... FUCKING up... fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

fuck.

this is so not good

i am having some major heartburn.

started Friday night (ate a tad too much and had a lemonade from Chic Fil A - i know i know... stop eating so damn much)... took 2 tums and all was well.

today i had breakfast .. i wanted an omelet, dammit! didnt eat all of it, but i was full... still havent eaten anything since (5-6 hours ago)... drinking my crystal light and im continuing to have heartburn.

of course, i forgot the tums at home today ...

so f'ing sick...

of eating right and exercising.

so much in fact that i am not doing it at the moment.

eating complete and utter garbage and making every excuse i can to not exercise.

what the fuck is wrong with me??? am i not excited that i am getting gut whacked in 24odd days?

is that the reason im slacking? that is precisely the reason i should not be slacking. i need to be in the best physical and mental condition i can be in for this surgery... eating chocolate covered cream puffs and english toffee and not moving my ass is not the way to get there.

i need a kick in the ass. and i dont even think i am talking about a virtual one ...

where the fuck did my motivation go???

hey you ...

yeah, you ... the one who weighs well over 200 pounds still...

PUT THE FUCKING SUGAR COOKIES DOWN. or you will never lose the 10.x pounds you still need to lose before your tummy tuck.

why am i getting a tuck?

because now that i am not HUGE, just 'big', people do look me in the eye when saying hello, but 95% of them then scroll their eyes down to my stomach. i am so fucking sick of it.