half marathon ... check !

formerly called am I ?)(king crazy... (the answer to that question is 'of course', by the way...)

several days ago, Rick was seriously questioning whether or not he would be able to finish the full White Rock without severly injuring his ankle... he asked me if I wanted to do the half, I said if he wasn't going to do the full, I may TRY the half (no training since September - longest distance was 8 miles). he was kinda wishy-washy about it, so I just said FINE, I'll do the half... **that night**, I got charlie horses in my legs... and the night after as well... and my toenail looked 'off' and felt weird..

so I swore Rick to secrecy.... if I was going to fail miserably, I didn't want the world to know... only person I told was my twin and that was just last night. she's completed a marathon & half before so she was very helpful on the tips...

we stayed at a hotel to be close to the race, J slept in our room and was up - a lot!! sleep for me was sporatic at best...

we left for the parking lot a tad after 5am, getting to what turned out to be the perfect spot... a little sleeping and (too) little eating*... i just was not hungry... had 1/2 piece of marble loaf and a few sips of chocolate milk... tummy was already in gastro distress due to nerves and I didn't want to push things... immodium can only help *so* much... plus, the lines inside the AAC were crazy for the bathroom and this tooshie doesn't touch porto-lets if I can help it!!

I was in wave 'E' aka the slow people's heat... there were people my size, bigger, older, younger... a good mix! there were even the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!! and a guy who ran TWENTY-TWO half/marathons since February 2009! CRAZY!!

it took about 12 minutes to get to the actual start line, no fighter jets this year but confetti was apparently on clearance... lots of it falling..

speaking of falling (sorry, couldn't resist), there was this woman who did fall right at the start line. she was ok and got up right away.. I only mention this cause that is SO!! me.

mile 1 was thru downtown Dallas and way too hilly for my liking... it was funny to see all the bopping heads go up the hill...

the rest of the miles were primarily thru residential neighborhoods... VERY nice houses, a lot of the residents were outside cheering us on... very nice!

one stretch that stands out is mile 7-8... it was basically a (VERY) long u-turn... each 'line' of the U was well over 3/4 mile... it was dreadful!

the last 5k was through the Katy Trail... the only good thing about that was I didn't have to worry about getting hit by a car... yes, although I was not last, I was on the (really) slow side and there were maybe 100 people behind me, so they were opening streets to cars every once in awhile... although I did tell a cop about mile 8-9 to just let a car hit me so it'd be over ...

the bad thing about the Katy Trail is the lack of race support ... what would happen if I really couldn't make it? tripped, whatever?? and the fact that towards the end they had benches... very very bad thing... I'll admit I did sit to stretch for about 25 seconds about the 12 mile marker...

i came * * this close to quitting a couple times ... not only because of my blisters (which were fully formed and completely throbbing by mile 4)... but since i hadnt eaten much i was dizzy (dizzier than normal) for many of the early miles...

i finally forced myself to eat a shot blok every 2/3 - 1 mile after that and that seemed to help a bit...

all in all, a crappy race simply due to the fact that I was not adequately trained and was SLOW (!!!!!)... I was so slow I did not get a finisher's shirt... they will supposedly mail me one... I missed the race set time cutoff by less than 5 minutes, but I missed it none the less... so what do i have to show for my efforts, achy body... entire body... from shoulders to tips of my toes, extreme fatigue and an amazing finisher's medal.

if i didnt have the STUNNINGLY AMAZING support from Rick & Karri via text messaging, i wouldnt have finished.

IF I choose to do more long distance racing, I WILL properly train...

dammit... full disclosure...

i have no fucking clue what is going on with me.

eating like a fucking pig ... my restriction is so fucking wonky lately. some days, i PB on my shake at breakfast, some days, i can eat 1/2 - 2/3 breakfast sandwich... (of which i shove the rest in my mouth cause the fucking head hunger) and then PB the rest of it up.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck... fuckity fuck

i mean seriously. my restriction is nothing right now and my discipline is nothing what so ever...
i mean really, if i had the discipline, i wouldnt fucking need a lap band, right?

and all of this would be fine and dandy if i was working out, but the entire weekend, what did i do? the Race for the Cure ... 5K ... due to how crowded it was, it took us just over an hour to complete.

sooooo, today's menu (so far):
breakfast:
sausage egg & cheese croissant from Jack In The Box (580 cals, thank you very much...)

snack(s):
baby ruth bar
some other chocolate bar (blocking out the name???)

lunch:
2 large chilis from Wendys
lots of crackers

snack:
3 snack sized mr. goodbars

WHAT.THE.FREAKING.FREAKY.FUCK!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK
FUCK
FUCK

fuck.

seriously.
fuck..

:(

so f'ing sick...

of eating right and exercising.

so much in fact that i am not doing it at the moment.

eating complete and utter garbage and making every excuse i can to not exercise.

what the fuck is wrong with me??? am i not excited that i am getting gut whacked in 24odd days?

is that the reason im slacking? that is precisely the reason i should not be slacking. i need to be in the best physical and mental condition i can be in for this surgery... eating chocolate covered cream puffs and english toffee and not moving my ass is not the way to get there.

i need a kick in the ass. and i dont even think i am talking about a virtual one ...

where the fuck did my motivation go???

halloween blow out

i wont even go into details cause i dont know them.

i waited 2 days to have halloween candy and am nauseous now from it ... too much ...

what a fuck up.

grrrrrrrrr

why cant i stop eating.

yes, i even eat when i am not hungry. i am falling into bad habits once again. i need to just have a clean week and i would be better.

i am not logging my food like i said i was going to. i am just so ticked at myself. at least the scale isnt going up without coming down. but i've lost the same 4-5 pounds over and over again....

still working my ass off ... still eating way too much.

yup, i need a fill.

too chicken to get another one because right now food = comfort.

i am still working out 5-6 days a week. now only if i could stop feeding my face with carrot cake. **sigh** so fucking frustrated.

i dont want to talk about it..

ok, so last night i was craving everything under the sun ...

i gave in and had lots of sweets (apple fritters - those are bad and should be outlawed) for those of you who do not know what it is, basically it's dough with apple filling and then fried and glazed ... really healthy.

we then went to Olive Garden for dinner ... CARB OVERLOAD.

needless to say the scale is SO far up i think im going to puke. yes, i am retaining water like a mad woman, but geesh!!

i am staying strict low carb today and tomorrow and hopefully TOM will come and go by Monday's weigh in (hahahahahahahahahahaha!)

on a good note - we did measurements today. 1 3/4 down in my waist since last month! wooo hooo

best thing i've ever done for myself

so DH was looking through some old video ... "wanna see yourself 2 years ago"... NOPE ... but i looked anyway.... i still have a LONG LONG way to go, but i never ever want to go back.

this picture is a collage of pics of me starting June 2001 through my 10 month picture (August 2007). there are a couple pics up there that i just cannot believe i am posting, but this will give you a good ... ummm, picture... of how far i've come.

December 2004 is really bad quality because it was taken from a screen shot of a video. October 8, 2006 is the day before my surgery.

August 2002 - a fine, proud moment. this was at DH's best friend's wedding ... NIIIIIIICE ... not!!!!

click for a bigger image