so pissed ... not food related

nevermind

ok, Ambien is my new BFF

especially when i have shitty neighbors...

i dunno ... im in some sort of funk i guess ... i REALLY just want to go home for a day or two.. have me come back Thursday night ... i wish... but i can imagine my BP going thru the freaking roof those days... plus we are having cleaners come over Wed & Thurs so i really cant stay home...

*sigh* i miss my DH... i miss the alone time... i miss sex with DH ... (i've been on bed rest since 1/1 and had a yeast infection before that - - L O N G time) ... im trying convince him to come to the hospital just for some cuddle time tomorrow while DD is with my mom's club, but he has a full afternoon of meetings ... **cry**

grrr

ok, seriously... shift change for the nurses was over an hour and a half ago... it is S L O W here today/tonight.. when i went up for ice at 650 (10 min before shift change), there was one other person on the board besides me and they were all standing around chit chatting...

i am EXHAUSTED tonight ... SO tired i could fall asleep now... but my 800 vitals are 30 min overdue, i still need Joshua to be monitored and that usually takes from 20-90 min depending on the nurse and how well he cooperates...

im getting really quite pissed... i'd understand if it was super busy, but ITS NOT...

ok, maybe im just in "a mood"

but someone i've never even really talked with on a certain message board asked me how i was spending my time besides eating ...

WHAT.THE.FUCK lady.... i dont know you and if you intended it to be funny, it wasnt. seriously.

so very very

... tired
... bored
... sore (shoulders)

i had another wake up call from neighbors at 330 this morning ... assmunch husband was talking SO very loudly... STF up!!! so i was awake from 330ish til about 7 then woke up for breakfast and watched Dexter for a bit... then a nice 45 min or so nap... so needless to say im kinda tired today.

good news is, i told my doc that a few nurses have told me i am "low priority" (truth!) and sometimes if they are busy, i dont get my ice - which is essentially my liquid cause it melts in my crystal lite... so i asked him if a few times a day if i could get up and get my own ice and HE SAID YES!!!! yay!

i was warned that it's a "long walk"... so we'll see how i handle it.

god, i am so freaking starving! i just ate one of those cupcake cookies and OMG Joshua is on a major sugar high!!! he's bouncing around my tummy like it's a trampoline! i LOVE LOVE LOVE it! that is the one thing i'm really going to miss! i just emailed DH what he was cooking for dinner and he's cooking one of my fave dishes (potstickers).. hopefully he'll bring me some ... ok ok ok ... several! :)

and..

its not just a bag of trash... its a bag of white trash....

MMMMMMMM-WAH...

and yes, i think you are a loser - just not the 'good' kind of loser

ya know...

ifyaspentasmuchtimegettingajob(ormaybeasecondjobeven)asyoudo
ontheinterweb,youcouldpayforyourowndamnsurgery.quityerbitchin.

i loathe my co-workers

ok ... i asked my 'neighbor' if she watched Army Wives last night and immediately said that i had not... snoopy chick (other neighbor) came by, oh i havent watched it in a few episodes, and they proceed to talk about it including last night's show...

bitches!

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

oh dear i am sooo ticked at DH (d does not mean dear right now)...

first of all he was up really late watching the olympics ... fine and dandy... well he comes to bed and shines his phone right in my eyes ... i know it wasnt intentional, but geesh...

then he cant sleep ... so he's out in the living room, sending me emails ... ummm ... they go right to my iPhone... i get an alert when i get an email... 2am... not a good thing.

then at 3am, for some reason, his phone alarm goes off... why he would set an alarm for 3am, i have no idea... he's not in the room... he's lucky he didnt come back to it in pieces on the floor...

he comes to bed about 4-430 and he's receiving some sort of text message alerts...
FINALLY, he's in the shower getting ready... i have another 8 precious minutes of sleep in my 'snooze' and his freaking alarm goes off again.

so needless to say, i'm really tired and in a really fowl mood.

soooooooooo not a good night ...

so i worked out today, was on my way home from the grocery store (545ish) and DH texts me - things not good at work, still here, will be late (obviously since he normally leaves at 5-515)...

so i have ground sirloin in my car, cheese, chicken, you name it ... i have to go pick up DD from school... it normally takes no less than 10-15 minutes to pick her up (say goodbye, what happened during the day, etc...) and its rather warm outside (85ish??), visions of chicken grilling in my van ... yay.

so i actually get in and out of school in about 3-5 minutes ... 'groceries in car, gotta go' worked!!! :)

come home ... it is well over 90 degrees in the house, dogs are panting and im sweating almost as soon as i walk in... DD is a nightmare "IM HUNGRY IM HUNGRY IM JUST HUNGRY" so getting dinner ready, sweating my ass off, getting my lunch ready for the rest of the week, DH finally gets home, i kinda bark at him cause there is a dish that has to be hand washed (pampered chef stoneware) and it hasnt been since monday... **eyeroll** and i have no room in the kitchen to cook properly... gahhhhhhhhhhhh...

so dinner is finally ready (fajitas for DH and I, quesadilla for DD) i literally get in about 3 bites and have to bolt to the bathroom ... PB ... fun. no, not really.

soooo, DH is working so its just DD and i. its 18 minutes past her bedtime, but frankly, i dont want to deal with her drama of the whole bedtime thing... so im here, we just finished reading a book together and she is reading on her own now. 'reading' as in flipping thru pages...

so, how was your day?

blahhhhh

I love to eat... I REALLY truly love to eat. I wish I didnt... I
wish I could be like those lucky banded folks who have just no
*desire* to eat... sooooo not like that.

sooooo not like that.

i haven't really lost much weight since my TT. in fact its been
fluctuating up and down the same 10 pounds - and yes, i realize 10
pounds is A LOT of weight thank you very much..

so, back to the gym I go. I need to start being selfish again... DH
likes to get up early and run during the week... tough - Im the one
who needs it.... my initial goal, 3 times a week at the gym. I start
Chicago marathon training the 27th and its really structured...
anyone wanna be my accountability partner?? if I dont report exercise
every other day or so give me a kick in the ass email.. or real kick
if you live in the DFW area.... ;)

fuck... I dont wanna work at this... why can't it just fall off? oh
yeah - wrong WLS... ;)

sent from my iPhone ;)

DH and i had a chat last night

ok ... so i've been eating crap lately (although the past 2 days have been much better - thank you ALL for your comments)...

and i've probably gained **blushing** about 7-8 pounds ... ok, not probably. i've gained 9 pounds ... how that happened, i dunno ... i didnt think i was that bad, but i guess i was...

you can really tell i've gained weight ... even in my stomach area *which i thought wasnt supposed to happen, but it has - even in the lower stomach area :( *

i was trying on some shorts/skorts for Disney next week and my wonderful DH looked and said "not so much" ... 8***( what do you mean NOT SO MUCH (yes, i was pissed ...) he asked if i'd rather him lie to me and say it looks great.

this was just with the skorts on (no shirt or a compression garment) so i put on the shirt and he said it was better ... the shitty thing is - it was snug and it was untucked... i've been so proud that i've been able to tuck my shirts in, now i cant even do that.

so, i was just upset (with myself, not DH) and went to bed to watch Dead Like Me (great show, btw)... he came in read... when i was finished, he turned out the light and i dont even remember how i started but i basically said something about my weight and that im going to gain it all back ... he was really supportive but then he decided i needed something stronger ... he was just as angry at the situation as i was...

told me all the things i really needed to hear, let me cry on his shoulder but then told me i gotta get my ass moving again (my words not his)... im healed from the PS and i need to kick it into high gear if i even want to finish Minnie (i havent exercised since i dunno how long ago)... maybe my 9 miler the sunday before last... that is not the way to train for a 15K race.

so im going to put in a few miles after work today, then take a short walk tomorrow morning (i have the day off work).

then the Minnie 15K is Sunday, take a couple days off then i want to average 10-15 miles a week until i start training for Chicago at the end of May.

dammit... full disclosure...

i have no fucking clue what is going on with me.

eating like a fucking pig ... my restriction is so fucking wonky lately. some days, i PB on my shake at breakfast, some days, i can eat 1/2 - 2/3 breakfast sandwich... (of which i shove the rest in my mouth cause the fucking head hunger) and then PB the rest of it up.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck... fuckity fuck

i mean seriously. my restriction is nothing right now and my discipline is nothing what so ever...
i mean really, if i had the discipline, i wouldnt fucking need a lap band, right?

and all of this would be fine and dandy if i was working out, but the entire weekend, what did i do? the Race for the Cure ... 5K ... due to how crowded it was, it took us just over an hour to complete.

sooooo, today's menu (so far):
breakfast:
sausage egg & cheese croissant from Jack In The Box (580 cals, thank you very much...)

snack(s):
baby ruth bar
some other chocolate bar (blocking out the name???)

lunch:
2 large chilis from Wendys
lots of crackers

snack:
3 snack sized mr. goodbars

WHAT.THE.FREAKING.FREAKY.FUCK!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK
FUCK
FUCK

fuck.

seriously.
fuck..

:(

so Danika Patrick wins her first race....

... and she freaking CRIES... way to represent women ...

no, im not a IRL follower (DH is though) but geesh!!! quit the waterworks already!

sigh

sabotage
noun
1.
a deliberate act of destruction or disruption in which equipment is damaged
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/sabotage

what dictionary.com is missing is this:


yup, i suck today....

me venting ...

ok so i look like a freaking tree trunk ... literally ...

at least pre-plastics i had a waist ... now not only am i straight up and down, but im THICKLY straight up and down ...

and yes, i know its swelling and i know it will go down, but i want it gone NOW dammit.

i love not having the gut, but not having a waist is awful.

i hate this saying...

but it keeps coming to my head ...

everything that happens, happens for a reason...
everything that happens, happens for a reason...
everything that happens, happens for a reason...
everything that happens, happens for a reason...
everything that happens, happens for a reason...
everything that happens, happens for a reason...
everything that happens, happens for a reason...
everything that happens, happens for a reason...
everything that happens, happens for a reason...

now if i could only believe it...

doctor's visit

couldnt get in to see my regular OB, so i got the "fill in" guy. now i know why he had an opening. complete dick.

so they did an internal ultrasound, didnt even get a drink after that **eyeroll**... nothing, zip, nada in my uterus ... well, blood, but no baby ... not pregnant any longer....

the dolt of a doctor was like wellllll, we cant be sure (hello, no baby, no pregnancy... how much more clear do you need it to be????)

he drew more blood (3rd pregnancy test in that many business days) and wants to compare the numbers with my PCP's to ensure they are indeed going down. he is also not going to recommend that i have surgery. he isnt going to discourage it, but he wont recommend it ... WTF???? i know it's ultimately Dr. Pollock's call, but you'd think Dr. P would go on the recommendation of the OB... so, i can only hope that Dr. P thinks it through clearly. i mean, i KNOW he will, he is a very level headed man and i know if it's delayed it would be for my safety, but its just frustrating.

and yes, at this moment, we are talking about going thru with the surgery. if i get preggers a little down the line and fuck up my muscles a tad, that will still be better than having the gut, n'est pas???

so yeah, i have to wait another day (hopefully only a day)... he did also do a complete blood count which is good, but damn... i just want it to be over.