DH and i had a chat last night

ok ... so i've been eating crap lately (although the past 2 days have been much better - thank you ALL for your comments)...

and i've probably gained **blushing** about 7-8 pounds ... ok, not probably. i've gained 9 pounds ... how that happened, i dunno ... i didnt think i was that bad, but i guess i was...

you can really tell i've gained weight ... even in my stomach area *which i thought wasnt supposed to happen, but it has - even in the lower stomach area :( *

i was trying on some shorts/skorts for Disney next week and my wonderful DH looked and said "not so much" ... 8***( what do you mean NOT SO MUCH (yes, i was pissed ...) he asked if i'd rather him lie to me and say it looks great.

this was just with the skorts on (no shirt or a compression garment) so i put on the shirt and he said it was better ... the shitty thing is - it was snug and it was untucked... i've been so proud that i've been able to tuck my shirts in, now i cant even do that.

so, i was just upset (with myself, not DH) and went to bed to watch Dead Like Me (great show, btw)... he came in read... when i was finished, he turned out the light and i dont even remember how i started but i basically said something about my weight and that im going to gain it all back ... he was really supportive but then he decided i needed something stronger ... he was just as angry at the situation as i was...

told me all the things i really needed to hear, let me cry on his shoulder but then told me i gotta get my ass moving again (my words not his)... im healed from the PS and i need to kick it into high gear if i even want to finish Minnie (i havent exercised since i dunno how long ago)... maybe my 9 miler the sunday before last... that is not the way to train for a 15K race.

so im going to put in a few miles after work today, then take a short walk tomorrow morning (i have the day off work).

then the Minnie 15K is Sunday, take a couple days off then i want to average 10-15 miles a week until i start training for Chicago at the end of May.

30April08 training

from Nike+


not sure what my plan is for tomorrow. if i do anything, it will not be far, maybe a few times around the block.

30April08 food

breakfast

1/2 cup Kashi Cinnamon Harvest cereal

1/2 cup milk

initially planned for 1.5 cup cereal, 10 oz milk but my DB(oss) called me in

snack
2 wafers iSS Oh Yeah bars

lunch

fajita chicken weight watchers - 5 points (review posted below)

snack

WW Chocolate Muffin

post - run drink
1/2 bottle cherry pomegranate Naked drink - - YUMMIE!!

dinner

went out cause i was tired and didnt wanna cook ;)
Applebees - yeah, not my first choice but i know they have points on their menu ...
Onion Soup Au Gratin
Cajun lime tilapia with fruit my very DD ate

28.5 points consumed today. on plan day!! :)

oh yeah - TOM is here ... im soooo excited. not.

food addict ... um, yup that would be me!

i posted this earlier on LBT... basically the thread is about food addictions. i will not repost the original post's post, but it basically said that yup, she is addicted and how the hell does she fix it?

*****************
please know that you are far from alone. even being banded, losing 150ish pounds (with lots more to go), i still have a severe food addiction. severe food addiction. right now i am struggling more than i have in a long time, not sure exactly what or why it is, but its happening in a huge way right now. i have been 'food sober' for 2 days now, actually not even that - i bought jellie bellies for my upcoming race yesterday and had a few handfulls - but i was within my WW points range so lets so it was an 'ok' day. not great, but certainly could have been a ton worse.

there are even days when i work against my band. the very tool that i had installed to help me - i defy. eating eating eating ... and not always the model bandster and going on liquids after i pb... i eat something until i have to pb, make some room and then eat some more. doesnt sound like a very 'successful bandster'... granted i think that's happened 1 maybe 2 times in 17 months, but its happened.

life as i knew it pretty much turned upside down earlier this year, not excusing it, cause it is what it is. but, that didnt help matters.

i was one of the lucky ones who was so fat that my surgeon didnt require anything. no sleep apnea testing, no nutritional counseling, no psychological counseling... all i had to do was have my ticker checked to make sure i wasnt goign to croak on the table and i think i had some blood drawn.

i like jack's perspective, but its not eating that im addicted to ... eating i dunno - insert something incredibly good for you - SOY - eating soy anything (bleck btw) is incredibly different from eating something really good tasting (to me)... it doesnt even have to be 'bad' for me, i dunno ... chicken thigh (breast too tough)... i just cant eat anything... im a relatively picky eater - always have been - too bad the band didnt help in that area....

PMS for me is a bitch. thankfully, i get so tight right before that i can do liquids only for a day or so... but a shake goes down just fine thank you very much

so yeah, do i have a point? i dunno ... just know that you are not alone out there... im literally taking it one meal at a time right now.

Review - WW Fajita Chicken Supreme

Fajita Chicken Supreme.

hello ... WEIGHT WATCHERS, not everyone likes/wants green peppers in every fucking meal ...

seriously!

but **sigh** it tasted pretty good (after i picked out the peppers).. had a great mexican flavor. will probably satisfy a Mx craving. ;)

will get again ..

Review - WW Orange Sesame Chicken

pretty tasty.

small portion of chicken and it had green peppers in it (cant stand peppers... bleck!)
but it was good, had a strong orange flavor to it.

i'd order it again.

dammit... full disclosure...

i have no fucking clue what is going on with me.

eating like a fucking pig ... my restriction is so fucking wonky lately. some days, i PB on my shake at breakfast, some days, i can eat 1/2 - 2/3 breakfast sandwich... (of which i shove the rest in my mouth cause the fucking head hunger) and then PB the rest of it up.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck... fuckity fuck

i mean seriously. my restriction is nothing right now and my discipline is nothing what so ever...
i mean really, if i had the discipline, i wouldnt fucking need a lap band, right?

and all of this would be fine and dandy if i was working out, but the entire weekend, what did i do? the Race for the Cure ... 5K ... due to how crowded it was, it took us just over an hour to complete.

sooooo, today's menu (so far):
breakfast:
sausage egg & cheese croissant from Jack In The Box (580 cals, thank you very much...)

snack(s):
baby ruth bar
some other chocolate bar (blocking out the name???)

lunch:
2 large chilis from Wendys
lots of crackers

snack:
3 snack sized mr. goodbars

WHAT.THE.FREAKING.FREAKY.FUCK!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK
FUCK
FUCK

fuck.

seriously.
fuck..

:(

woke up...

to a torrential downpour...

did not get my miles in...

I suck.

sent from my iPhone ;)

my practice 15K

its planned for tomorrow. hopefully it wont rain.
outlined in red...

it really doenst look that long but damn ... thats a long run/walk...

race for the cure..

on our way to race for the cure...

really early... :(

sent from my iPhone ;)

ugh..... jury duty tomorrow

SO not looking forward to this ...

WOW... :)

im wearing a t-shirt from some sort of 5K DH & I did last year... we both got a shirt... turns out i am wearing HIS shirt. i thought it was mine (i have the exact same one, except its size XL or XXL ....) teeeee heeee ...

oh, by the way - his is a LARGE ... GAHHHHHHH!

i really hate working with women ...

our group is ALL women and the 'cattiness' is just unbearable most times ...

-talking behind other's backs
- giggling like little school girls (we're talking 50+ year olds here)

they are supposed to be 'good Christian women' ... doesnt sound too christian like to me... they pick on this one woman all the time ... granted, the woman is a total pain in the ass, but they are just being bitches...

so Danika Patrick wins her first race....

... and she freaking CRIES... way to represent women ...

no, im not a IRL follower (DH is though) but geesh!!! quit the waterworks already!

9.1x miles and nothing to show for it...

im so f'ing ticked ... my ipod crapped out mid-walk this morning. Nike+ appeared to be logging, but i went to synch and it didnt work. the walk was lost.

even my wonderfully geek DH couldnt figure it out...

all i remember is was 9.1something miles, 2hours 30 mins 16:03 pace... its my fastest, but still not fast enough for the minnie marathon. i just dont want to get swept.

i also burned over 1600 cals.... and of course, my band is SUPER tight right now and i cant eat anything. i tried some pasta and after the 3rd bite, not so much... so im hungry but not... there are times when i just love my band... not so much.

so no cool Nike+ graph, but i do have my body bugg steps to show ..

nasty weather!!

icky weather...

sigh

sabotage
noun
1.
a deliberate act of destruction or disruption in which equipment is damaged
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/sabotage

what dictionary.com is missing is this:


yup, i suck today....

16 April 08 walk

what a crappy walk... DH came with me and i really didnt want to run and push myself with him ... ???? dunno why. i have NO IDEA what that huge spike was. i did run twice, maybe that was one of the times. who knows?

Nike+ graph

weigh in

1.8 pounds last week, 10 pounds in 2 weeks
WW not so bad...

sent from my iPhone ;)

grrrrrrrr

SO HUNGRY...

i want to eat eat eat eat eat ... and eat some more.

at this point i have 9 points remaining for my dinner which should be enough, but tomorrow is weigh in day so i dont want to stuff myself like a flipping pig... guess i'll have a huge salad with dinner tonight, maybe some of that Progresso soup (which claims its zero points, but its not...)